Saturday 13 February 2010

Thank you Julia Gillard, for your wonderful advice

Most Australians would be familiar with Tony Abbott's comments on virginity, and the response of the Deputy PM, Julia Gillard:

Mr Abbott has in the past been seen as having an image problem with women over his conservative views on issues such as abortion, and Ms Gillard says he should not be dishing out advice to women.

"These comments will confirm the worst fears of Australian women about Tony Abbott," she said.

"Australian women want to make their own choices and they don't want to be lectured to by Mr Abbott."

My response:

Dear Ms Gillard

Thank you for telling the women of Australia that they shouldn't listen to that old Catholic, Tony Abbott, in matters regarding who they sleep with, and the circumstances in which they sleep with them.

When I was a young male, I found the whole "virginity is precious" concept to be an utter bore. I wasted days - days - charming the pants off young virgins. I tell you, the whole deflowering process is an utter bore when it comes to well educated and nicely brought-up middle class ladies. The dinners. The movies. The dancing. The snuggling and nuzzling of the ear and the whisperings of sweet nothings. Yes, back in those days, women did take their virginity seriously, and it was sold expensively. Much sweat and tears went into producing a bit of blood.

And once you'd rooted them - sheesh! They attached themselves like limpet mines, becoming impossible to shake off. They had this silly notion that sex and love went together, which led to all sorts of nasty emotional entanglements. I was reduced to jumping over the back fence to get away from some of them.

Yes, so much better if we don't teach our daughters about faith, chastity, monogamy and all that other rot. Ideas such as those get in the way a relatively straightforward spreading of the legs. Life would have been so much easier as a teenager if chicks had just put out and banged like dunny doors. Then I could have gotten on with the really important things in life, like playing cricket and going to the pub with the boys.

I look forward to you putting out a statement endorsing these ideas, and as Minister for Education, ensuring that they are taught in all high schools.

Kind regards



bh said...

Ha ha, great post, BOAB.

And there's Julia in today's paper, worrying her poor little head off about young women getting tattoos and possibly regretting it in the future. Really, Julia, keep out of it. Australian women want to make their own choices and do not want to be lectured to by Ms Gillard.

bigtones said...

And that was your own back fence.....

Brian, follower of Deornoth said...

Australian Courtship Ritual...

Bruce: "Gi' us a fuck, Sheila."

Sheila: "All right, then, yer sweet-talkin' bastard."