Friday, 25 April 2008

Clover on dogs

A wild debate erupted in Sydney a few weeks ago when the idiotic Lord Mayor (Clover Moore) suggested that many parks should have fences erected to keep kids in so that dogs could run free.

I can't stand that sort of idea for numerous reasons. The first is that fences shit me - the only reasonable place to erect a fence is around a cricket ground so that when the batsman hits a 4, the fielder doesn't have to run onto the road to collect the ball. Not much you can do if he whacks a 6, but it helps to keep fours within the boundary. All other fences in public parks should be torn down, ripped to shreds and set on fire.

But what about the kiddies, I hear you say? What about the dogs? Won't the kiddies get eaten by dogs?

No. I like dogs. No, scratch that. I like well behaved dogs that have not been driven mental by their batshit-mad owners. I like dogs that are like you and me. Ok, dogs that are like me. Level headed. Not prone to fits of barking madness. Lacking a tendency to bite, even when provoked.

I have met a lot of dogs in my time, and I think that many of them do truly reflect their owner. I don't think that people that own poodles look like poodles - I think the personality of the dog reflects the owner. If the owner is calm, organised and has it together, chances are they will have a lovely, well trained dog. If the owner is a strung-out junkie, chances are the dog will be a little bit around the twist, and have a tendency to break into houses and steal laptops.

When I rule the state, dogs and children will be free to intermingle. Except that all the parents will be carrying pistols, and all dogs that are not quite right in the head will be shot on sight. Shooting the owners will be optional.

That should solve the problem of dogs biting children. I'm not sure what we can do about children biting dogs, but hey, if the dog is brought up properly, it won't mind the odd nibble from the rugrats.

I developed this theory when standing on a street corner earlier this week. I was waiting for the lights to change when this odd threesome stopped beside me. The first thing I noticed was this big black dog that almost came up to my hip. It was enormous and mean looking and it viewed the world through squinting,piggy eyes. It looked like the kind of dog that Afrikaneers used to chase blacks with, except meaner and better fed.

After doing an almighty double-take at the dog (and almost jumping in front of a taxi with shock), I had a look at the owners.

Both were middle-aged junkies. I can't describe the look for you, but if you've ever seen a middle-aged junkie, you'd recognise them immediately. Think a slightly younger looking version of Ozzie Osbourne, except without the money. They were 40 going on 70. Shuffling, shambling, half out of their head morons. With a fucking enormous dog that could rip the arms of Mike Tyson in a second.

Dogs are not the problem. Badly behaved, badly trained (or not at all trained) dogs are the problem. Eliminate the bad dogs and their bad owners, and you eliminate the problem.

Clover, in her stupid, touchy-feely way, doesn't see the use of deadly force as an option. However, putting up fences is an exercise in force, albeit in a different way. A fence forces you to stay out of a certain area. You might say that it is the embodiment of using passive force, rather than active force. But it is force nonetheless, and I say "Stop pussyfooting around". Shoot the damned mongrel mutts and let kids and good dogs roam free.

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