Sunday 11 May 2008

Two breakfasts

We used to have a laugh in the office about a big fat bloke that did some work with us for a few weeks. He sat in the corner, wheezing and coughing and going out for something to eat every half hour. What really cracked us up was his announcement one day that he usually had breakfast twice a day, because "one was not enough".

The arms on his office chair were consequently bent out at 45 degrees. His monitor was covered in a light spray of mucus and spittle because his huge fat tits pressed down on his lungs so badly, he couldn't breathe properly, so he'd wheeze and cough every 30 seconds or so and spatter spittle everywhere in the process.

In short, a joy to work with.

Don't get me started on his farting.

Luckily for us, he was not with us for long. Not in that he is dead or anything - he just did his bit of work and shot through. Or waddled through. I never wanted to have him get in the lift with me because I figured I'd lose it laughing if I was the only person in there, and the over weight limit alarm went off when he got in.

Anyway, I followed his example recently. The story starts over a week ago, when my breakfast order was screwed up in my favourite eating establishment. Instead of getting eggs and mushrooms, I got mushrooms and avocado. I thought about sending it back, but then decided to give it a go. It was quite delicious, so a few days later, I decided to go all out and order eggs, mushrooms and avocado.

That was a mistake. Putting that order in completely freaked the cafe computer. The waitress was so amused at the way the computer dealt with it, she brought the little printed out ticket back to my table so that I too could get a laugh out of it. It was nuts. However, at least she had specified that it was a meal for one on one plate. She had to do that as the computer thought it was two breakfasts for two people. But she had managed to over ride it and make it come out as one breakfast on one plate.

Or so we thought.

She turned up a few minutes later with a very apologetic look on her face, and a plate in each hand. Two plates. Two breakfasts on two plates. One plate had toast, eggs and mushrooms; the other had toast, mushrooms and avocado. She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her to put down both plates, then I picked up one and slid most of the contents onto the other. Not all the contents, as I didn't want to eat two breakfasts. 1.5 would be enough. Even 1.73 breakfasts. But I was not going to eat 2.0 breakfasts, even if that meant taking the parsley garnish off both plates so that I limited myself to 1.98 breakfasts. Definitely no two breakfasts for me.

How was it?

Fracking delicious. A really good combination of stuff, and not too filling in the end either.

The bill though was a shocker. The computer had decided to charge me for 3.4 breakfasts. Since I eat there a lot, and have a good relationship with the boss, he took one look at my bill, freaked and gave it to me on the house. He couldn't believe what an arse-up the computer had made of my order.

How good is that? 1.74 delicious breakfasts for free.

And no fat bastard in sight.

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