The Index of Clean

The Index of Clean is a simple method to determine whether two or more people will be able to live together harmoniously.

I have lived with many flatmates - possibly over 40 or 50. I have lived in something like 14 different houses or apartments in Sydney alone. Tension was always caused by one of two things - money and cleaning.

The money side of things is easy to understand, but everyone always overlooks cleanliness. It's not that I am a neat-freak. It's just that I have noticed that much back-biting bitchiness within the household can be traced back to an argument over who is going to be the next person to clean the toilet. Most arguments arise from different perceptions as to how often cleaning should take place. This is nothing to do with how unclean a house might be - everyone has different standards, and those standards usually drive how often someone feels the need to run around pushing a vaccuum cleaner.

I have lived with complete slobs that could go a year without doing any cleaning at all. I have lived with others who couldn't go a day without dusting the shelves and cleaning the curtains. I managed to get along pretty well with all of them, because I am a pretty easy going guy, and I don't let things bug me. Not even when the cockroaches are so numerous that they start running over your feet whilst you are watching TV.

The index is simply there to identify major disparities between the dispositions of potential flatmates when it comes to cleaning.

Here is how it works.

If you clean on a daily basis, you have an index of 1. If you clean once a week, your index is 7. Once a month, your index is 30. If you are a total couch residing slob, your index might be 365 or higher. There is no upper limit.

Those of you that forgot to take your pills and have to clean four times a day have an index of 0.25.

Here is what I have noticed.

A person with an index of 7 will get along with someone with an index of 14. However, someone with an index of 1 will have a hard time getting on with anyone, unless they are trawling support groups for people with mental problems relating to hand washing. Someone with an index of 30 or more should be very careful when looking for potential flatmates. You are quite likely to get into a lot of arguments.

I sometimes wonder whether a persons index decreases over time. I used to be up around the 20 mark or higher when I was in my 20's, but now it is dropping down to the 3 or 4 mark. Having kids possibly has a lot to do with that. If you don't keep on top of the little buggers, the place quickly goes to hell.

The cleaning cycle will generally be set by the person with the lowest index. The trick for the other flatmates is to simply accept that as a fact, and follow the lead of the clean freak. That will guarantee domestic harmony. When clean freak pulls out the vaccuum cleaner, it is time to get off the couch and start scrubbing the shower recess. Nothing irks another person like someone lying on the couch whilst you are cleaning.

The lowest index person also has to get used to the idea that no one else will ever take the lead when it comes to cleaning. They will always set the tone. They should never start saying, "Why am I always the one that starts the cleaning?" Just get over it - that will always be your role. Never complain about it - it just leads to unnecessary fighting.

Of course one way around all of this is to live with people who can afford to chip in to share a cleaner. That is the ideal solution. If you can afford it, don't waste any time thinking about it - just do it.

This should be enough to win me a Nobel Peace Prize. World harmony, here we come.