Friday, 27 March 2009

Great balls of riding

In an earlier post, I invited Senator Stephen Conroy to "suck my balls".

I just thought I'd write a post about cycling and what it does to your balls. Assuming you are male.

Non-cyclists occasionally ask me whether I get a sore arse from riding, or squished balls.

In the early days, I used to get a sore bum, but that rarely happens these days. If I do a lot of miles, I'll sometimes get a small rash in the crease where my legs meet my buttocks, but that is about it. Sore balls - almost never.

What I do suffer from though is what I might term "variable ball consistency".

That means that the elasticity of my sac differs between morning and evening rides.

I don't know why, but in the mornings, my sac is taut and my nuts ride high. On really cold mornings, they might attempt to retract into my body like a sumo wrestler, which is quite uncomfortable, and can only be countered with a "wide leg" riding stance, where I have to spread my knees so that my nuts are not jammed into my guts on each up-stroke. I might spend quite a bit of time trying to push a ball down with one hand if it gets too uncomfortable.

In the afternoon, I have the opposite problem. After a day in the office, I have a sac like an old man - wrinkly and stretched. My balls roll around like a couple of billiards in a pillow case. Instead of staying in one position, they are able to move this way and that. The result is that on the downstroke of my left leg, my left nut will decided to take up position between the side of the seat and my leg, and on the upstroke, it will attempt to roll onto the top of the seat. This is not good. Variable ball consistency can also be discomforting, and regular re-arrangement might be necessary to achieve the right position.

So choose your time of day, Senator Conroy. Regardless of whether it is morning or evening, I can guarantee that they'll be sweaty.

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