Monday, 20 October 2008

John Murphy MP flies to Queensland for free food

The office of John Murphy MP was today forced to deny rumours that Mr Murphy had used taxpayer funded flights for him and his wife in order to obtain free food from a church in Logan.

Although an official inquiry at Parliament House has determined that the stroganoff portion sizes are "adequate", Mr Murphy has continued to grumble about "not feeling full".

The Tribe of Judah church has noted that it is serving more food than ever, but an audit found that only three more people than usual were turning up for free meals.

Pastor Terry Walker noticed that two newcomers, obviously a couple, wearing sunglasses and hats pulled low over their faces, were returning for thirds, fourths and fifths. When he fronted the male and demanded an explanation, he was met with a barrage of complaints about small portion sizes and "poor value for money".

When Pastor Walker pointed out that it couldn't be "poor value for money" as the food was free, the unidentified male mumbled something about it being "fucking poor money for the taxpayer when they have to fly us up here from Canberra first class".

Jack the Wino, who has been stumbling drunkenly to the free nosh-up all year also claims to have noticed a 3rd person in the group.

"He weren't eatin' nothin' though. He'd put his feed into a plastic container like, and then pack it into a suitcase. I saw 'im tucking away at least 6 feeds", said Jack, holding up three tobacco stained fingers.

"He then lugged the suitcase over to a fancy white car, which was parked over there - or was it there?" Jack said in a state of some confusion, as he pointed first to an island in a fish pond, and then the middle of the Logan Expressway.

"The car had a driver an' all. He sat there all the time, in his uniform, wiv the engine runnin' and air con going full blast. Bill wen' over and asked him wot he was doin' there, and he said somethin' about 'studying the artifacts of climate change'?"

"As for the bloke nicking the grub, all I caught was 'is last name - something like 'advisor'". He didn't seem too happy to be here. I 'eard him mutter that if 'the press gets wind of this, we're fucked'. He gave me these little bottles of wine to shut me up - I never knew there was a brand of red called "Qantas first class complimentary drinks" They're a pathetically small size though - barely more than a mouthful. Someone orta complain about the size of these drink portions. A man couldn't get pissed in a week drinkin' these."

Bill, who was discovered fast asleep under a tree, said that he remonstrated with the woman about the amount of food she was taking.

"She just laughed at me and said something about, 'there's no baggage limit for us, dearie', before she went back for a ninth serving", which Bill illustrated by holding up four fingers and his left foot. His foot, although adorned by a well used sock, had three toes poking out of it.

As Bill blew his nose on his sock, Pastor Walker made a final statement.

"We've got a ton of food left over this week. Those three no-shows certainly put a lot away".

When questioned on the exact amount of food that the three interlopers had consumed, Pastor Walker re-iterated, "A ton. Before they showed up, we went through 50 tons a week. Once they started coming, it went up to 51 tons. We served 51 tons this week, and have exactly one ton left over.

"Anyone for a corned beef sandwich? Or some stroganoff?"

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Conservatives can stop reading at this point.

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*All references to persons living or dead are entirely coincidental. That was supposed to be satire.

1 comment:

bruce said...

Mem for Lowe? Ah I get it I think.

Whitlam was standing outside my polling place shaking hands the first time I got to vote, the day he won, and the last time Lowe had a Lib rep I think. Maybe a crucial victory for him.

We used to say he won Lowe because 'the Mafia' swung to support him.