Monday, 27 October 2008

Climate change and the shopping trolley highway of death

There are two ways of looking at all the shopping trolleys in this canal (there are three in the photo below, and one in the bottom photo):

  • Climate change is causing more bogans to dump more trolleys into our waterways. Bogans believe that although trolleys are constructed of mesh, if you dump enough of them into a waterway, they will form a levee capable of holding back increasing sea levels. This explains why bogans wear ugg boots in summer, and also why that bogan-made-good "Woin Swan" can't count beyond 7.
  • Climate change is impacting adversely on the mating habits of shopping trolleys. Reduced water flows from the drought means that trolleys are unable to navigate their way up our local canals to the spawning grounds of the trolley. This results in dead and rusting shopping trolleys clogging our drains, and calls by local Greens to build "trolley ladders" in every storm water canal. The Mayor of Leichhardt, a well known Green, has been known to fish trapped trolleys out of drains, wrap them in a wet towel and then drive them to Burwood, which is the local spawning ground of the "Trollus dumpeli".

It should also be noted that Leichhardt Council now employs a trolley whisperer from the local Eora Nation. The Gadigal and Wangal people are close to their trolleys, and they can be seen every pension day conducting a ceremony of Trolley Harmony, where they load their trolleys with plagons of goon, which are wheeled to the nearest park for a Winnie Blue smoking ceremony, prior to the trolleys being released into the wild - or the nearest canal.

Outsiders are discouraged from attending these sacred ceremonies due to the secretive nature of the business being discussed. Anyone out walking alone at night within a kilometre of one of these ceremonies risks being bashed for the crime of intruding on special and ancient wisdom. In fact anyone sitting quietly in their lounge room in front of the TV risks being bashed for the crime of being a white imperialist invader, normally truncated on pension day to the term of "you f^&ckin' white c*&nt".

Eora women who have been invited to attend these smoking ceremonies have also been punished for transgressing the unwritten and sacred traditional laws of the custodians of the drinking tree. A woman caught looking at the menfolk the "wrong" way, or being too tardy at collecting and offering a sacred drinking vessel are regular visitors to the non-traditional healing ground in Camperdown, also know as Royal Prince Alfred Hospital Emergency. Although the medicine of the white man is seen as inferior to the healing arts of the Gadigal people, "f^&ckin' white c*&nts" are quite skilled at removing star pickets from abdomens.

Note that according to Google, this is the first ever use on the internet of the phrase "plagons of goon". You read it here first.


Richard Sharpe said...

It only gets worse in the NT. Try a walk along The Esplanade in Darwin of an evening, or worse, go for a beer in the Katherine Pub.

Kaboom said...

Well, I hope those nine white-trash scumbag kuntz who murdered Jonathon Thurston's uncle over the weekend get their just desserts.

The protests and screams of outrage from the indiginie protestors outside the Beenleigh Magistrates Court this afternoon was extraordinary.

How long can we let white rascist hate-crimes like this go unpunished? Especially with an almost-celeb 'lation thing going on?

I want to see those white racist trash homies hang high for this affront to the traditional owners.

Won't they be the "belle of the ball" when they get to Arfur Gorrie?