Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Vodka, bikes and stockings don't mix

Dr Gordian Fulde has an article in the Tele every week, cataloguing the drunken idiots that are carted into his emergency ward every weekend. I try and read him every week.

Also we are seeing an increasing amount of intoxicated bicycle riders at night, often with no helmet. This usually results with them falling off, just like the 28-year-old salesman who broke his jaw by hitting the road hard.

Probably riding a single speed or fixie.

When I was at uni, a mate had a party at a bar with a theme of "Dirty Doctors, Naughty Nurses and Perverted Patients". All the women dressed as doctors and most of the blokes dressed as nurses - it just turned out that way.

The bar was on the opposite side of the campus to my college. After getting full of vodka jelly shots, dancing the worm on the floor etc etc, the bar closed and I had to get home.

A mate and I both had our push bikes, so we decided to race across campus.

It was a shockingly fast race - we were both very fit and totally plastered. We rode like maniacs. Err, actually we were maniacs. We somehow managed to get across the campus alive, and then I clipped a low fence with a pedal when I was just metres from home (and victory).

I went down on the tarmac - hard. I wasn't wearing a helmet of course.

But I was wearing stockings under my dress.

Fishnet stockings.

I ripped off more skin in that crash than any crash I've had since. I probably lost more skin in that crash than in all the others combined.

Trouble was, I was shitfaced and not feeling much pain. So I went to bed.

When I woke the next morning, a scab had formed on the abraded skin.

And glued into that scab was the remains of my stockings. And my sheets.

I now had to get the stockings off.

Combine a king sized hangover with peeling off scabs and stockings and bits of fused in hair, and then scrubbing out the bits of gravel and sand and then rubbing iodine into the open wounds - it doesn't bear thinking about.

By all means ride around drunk - just don't do it in stockings.

1 comment:

Minicapt said...

Other stuff: http://www.engadget.com/2011/09/27/ben-heck-cooks-up-proximity-sensor-for-cyclists-still-no-substi/