Tuesday, 8 August 2006

I'd kill for a good ham sandwich

Well, there are some people in the world that would probably want to kill me for eating a ham sandwich, but the nice thing about living in wogarama is the quality of the smallgoods - most of the time.

There are two uber-wog delis around the corner. Around the corner being maybe a kilometer and a bit. My favourite one is very small and pokey - if there are more than 3 customers in the shop, you are rubbing shoulders with all of them. I have not been into the other one in years, but I was forced to go there today because it is the only deli that will fit our pram. In the good old days, I could have just parked it and monkey out the front and left them there whilst I went shopping. These days, that is a good way to end up in front of a judge. Hell, it is probably a one-way ticket onto Today Tonight as the Villainous Parent of the Week.

So monkey had to come with me, which meant going to the deli with the wider aisles.

I discovered a few things.

Service is much faster in the big deli - probably because the staff are not climbing over the top of one another behind the counter.

The big deli has very attractive lighting - I looked at the food under the serving counter and wanted to buy it all. The only thing that saved me was the small boot on the pram, and the unliklihood of monkey being able to crawl all the way home. Otherwise, I would have kicked him out of the pram and filled the pram with stuffed olives and roasted capsicum and all that sort of stuff.

But those advantages count for nought if the food is actually not up to scratch. I bought some bread and ham and when I got home, made a ham sandwich for lunch.

My jaw now aches from trying to crunch through the bread roll that I bought. When I bake bread, I usually curse myself for turning out a tray covered in rock cakes. Well, I am not the only person turning out bread that is brick-like. It was good bread, but bugger me, was it tough.
The ham was not up to speed either. I think the squeezy deli must buy in a better product, and they shave it really fine when they put it on the big finger slicing machine. The more spacious deli sliced it the way I slice bread - into big fat chunks. OK, it was not that chunky, but compared to the paper thin slices that I am used to, the ham was the thickness of a T-bone steak.

It just didn't do it for me.

The local muslim terrorists can feel free to blow up the capacious wogarama, but I will be really put out if they proclaim jihad against the squishy deli. Not that the midget deli sells the worlds softest bread either - it's fine on the day it was baked, but a day later, it has generally dried out like biltong and is only fit for smearing with olive oil and turning into bruscetta.

Which I guess is where bruscetta comes from - it is a way to use up stale bread. That's the difference between top notch wog crusts and your average Tip Top "bread". I won't deign to call it bread - it's really just white sawdust in a plastic bag.

Tip Top bread is still all soft and squishy a week after it was purchased. It retains its essential mushiness long after a normal loaf has gone hard and mouldy. It's good for making sandwiches for days - it takes about a week before it gets to the point where the only way to make it edible is to toast it. I hate it. Except if I am making peanut butter and ham sandwiches - it is the only bread for that.

Anyway, the wog bread has a shelf life of about 12 hours. After that, it's like chewing on a fence post. At that point, it can only be resurrected by moisturising it with olive oil, toasting it and perhaps topping it with chopped tomato and stuff. Can you imagine getting out your pastry brush and brushing olive oil onto Tip Top bread and toasting it? Get off the grass! That is such a bizarre thought, it makes my head spin. All it shows is that Tip Top have managed to develop a process to turn wheat flour into crap. Me - I'm with the wogs.

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