Peanut eating Telstra monkeys

Given the propensity of caged monkeys to crap in their hands and then throw it around, the offices of Bigpond must be smeared in primate faeces from photocopier to watercooler. I have never come across such a hopeless pack of baboons in all my experience.

Then again, they might not be brainless chimps - they might be going apeshit deliberately. News in from the UK is that officers of the drivers licencing authority took drugs at work, jumped off filing cabinets naked and vomited into coffee cups and then left the cups in cupboards. Maybe Telstra should start drug testing its staff - or at least ensuring that they are wearing clothes.

My whinge - last time I moved house, my download speed dropped from 512k to 256k when it was reconnected. Some primate-brain had not bothered to check the details of my service.

We just moved again. Guess what? Download speeds are in the shitter.

I don't mind if people fuck up, so long as they learn from it. Telstra however does not appear to be a "learning organisation", to use a good old fashioned management wank term. If Telstra was a person, you'd hear the sound of dueling banjos in the background. Inbred, slack jawed, knitted eyebrow fuck-knuckledom.

Either that, or they have it in for me. As Goldfinger said, "Once is co-incidence Mr Bond. Twice is enemy action".

Enemy action, hmmm? Time to strap on a koran and go and blow up the local exchange.

I can see it now. We've all been told that Telstra has moved to automated exchanges and done away with all the people that pull plugs and connect your calls.

Yeah right. The people are gone, replaced with the scrapings of Taronga Zoo. Our balance of payments is in the crapper because of the enormous trade deficit that we are running with Malaysia in "IT" goods - IT being Malay for "orangutang". The rainforests of south east asia are being stipped of primates to feed the hungry maw of Telstra's call centres.

There's no need to blow an exchange up. You just run in, throw a few bananas around and act like the Pied Piper. A few crates of bananas would quickly bring the network to its knees.

Hell, with the price of bananas though, it's probably cheaper just to blow them up.

The dirty secret about Sol Trujilo getting the top job is that he started out with Barnum and Baillie. He knows how to whip and drive the monkeys.