Poo

We had two year old in the house today. He announced that, "I have a poo that wants to come out". He made it to the bathroom, but decided that it was a very urgent poo, so he dropped it on the bathroom rug.

I can appreciate that feeling. It's why I never ride until I've done the morning business. I can think of nothing worse than being halfway to work and getting that urgent rear end feeling. It's not like I live out in the boonies where one passes lots of parks and bushland and the like and you can just duck into a bit of scrub for a crap. Most of the houses I pass are inner city terraces, and I am sure that the residents would not take kindly to me dumping in their flowerpot next to the front door.

What I don't understand are people that spend ages on the dunny. My shit stinks. It is a known fact. I don't want to be near it any longer than strictly necessary. Especially when I have a hangover. Does poo smell more when you are hungover, or is your sense of smell more acute? Beats me. All I know is that I have done a few after grog bogs, and then vomited immediately afterwards as soon as the smell has reached my nose.

People who take books or magazines to the dunny must have no sense of smell. Never trust a cook or a wine critic who has anything to read in their toilet. Clearly, their olfactory nerves are not to be trusted.

Grog is not the only thing that plays havoc with my insides. Skiing does strange things to the bowels. I don't know if it is the cold air, the altitude, the wierd schnapps at lunch, the exercise, the late nights - whatever. All I can tell you is that when the boys get together for a week in the snow, a competition soon develops to see who can crap the most times in the morning before the first run of the day. I am not talking about squeezing out a grape, flushing, then going back to squeeze out another grape later on. I am talking about full blown, bowl stopping turds. And I am talking about dropping several of them in the space of an hour. I think the record is five. And that is not achieved after doing nothing but fart for a few days - that was after several days of two or three early morning turds.

Women really don't want to know what guys get up to when they go away for a week. I know they always like to pry and want to find out - hopefully this post will make them think twice about asking in future.