Tuesday, 9 June 2009

Country cousins

Notes made after a night at the pub with the in-laws:

  1. Met dero couple. Between the two of them, they didn't have a full set of teeth. Most upper front teeth on both missing - could have a tonguey without opening their mouths. Age - 37. Looked 60+. Woman half my height, twice my weight. Bloke skinny as a rake. Wore cowboy hat indoors at all times.
  2. Met lesbian. Last bloke she bonked was my brother-in-law.
  3. Heard about school affairs. Lesbian took up with English teacher whilst 15 or so. Another girl took up with the History teacher. Not seen as out of the ordinary.
  4. Wife beating - considered nothing much, so long as woman throws the first punch
  5. Read local paper that morning. Cops nabbed a bloke who did a runner and smashed up his new Commodore. Turns out he had pulled an armed robbery on the local RSL and made off with twenty grand. Part of that was spent on the Commodore. Brother-in-law fixed the brakes two days before prang. Thanked the Lord he was paid in cash before cops got the robber.
  6. Robbers pay better than hospitals. Much complaining about town idiot who was doing something important for the local state health service. Took them two years to pay brother-in-law for servicing the health service cars. Dairy no longer supplying milk to hospital due to unpaid bills.
  7. Height of fashion - being seen in jeans with a pair of KT26's.
  8. Many drunken cries of "get faaaarked, you old bastard"
  9. Saw more mullets and rat's tails in one round of drinks that a year in Sydney
  10. 50% of locals smoke
  11. Height of fashion - board shorts for a formal dinner
  12. Pub dinner - unidentifiable, stringy meat and three veg boiled in a bag, doused with grey gravy
  13. Pub sold beer bottles that need a bottle opener to open, but could not find bottle opener
  14. J discovered that not one, but two of her associates are serving time in prison
  15. Height of fashion - middle aged woman wearing billowing pants. Drunken bloke at bar asks, "What happens when you fart?" Even I cracked up at that. You'd have to see the pants to understand.
  16. Got better food and coffee in Junee than Five Dock
  17. When did people stop drinking coffee with chicory?

5 comments:

ntk said...

Met lesbian. Last bloke she bonked was my brother-in-law.

Er, how do you find out this stuff?

J discovered that not one, but two of her associates are serving time in prison

I'm trying to figure out what "associates" is a euphemism for.

1735099 said...

Sounds like Cunnamulla on State of Origin night.

Boy on a bike said...

The secret to hearing stuff like this is "beer". The secret to remembering this stuff is "drink lite beer and leave early".

Cunnamulla - didn't the ABC do a story on that town? Bit controversial?

Anonymous said...

Just to clarify - we went back to my small hometown for the weekend. We had drinks at a local pub, went out for dinner and caught up with other friends who were also down for the long weekend attending another function. And yes, the first night in the pub the jukebox was playing "Sweet home Alabama" which it did twice in the hour I was there. It's a small town....

Associates means one old school friend who used to be one of the "nice" girls, and another who used to sit near our family in church.

J xo

ntk said...

Ah, ok. And one more thing:

When did people stop drinking coffee with chicory?

A long time ago, I hope! That stuff tastes gross.